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You mention you read a lot of books during your recovery that helped to inspire you. Would you mind sharing which ones? I'd love to read them. Thank you for being you :)

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Anonymous

Of course! If you are going through a recovery, please just make sure you are in a safe place mentally to read them. Because a lot of them are triggering. You really see the mind of a sick person. 

I loved Hungry by Crystal Renn, because I related to it so much (being obsessive, losing tons of weight to be a straight size model, gaining 70 pounds, reemerging as a plus model, etc). But since I really want to be in a positive state of mind today, I only re-read the second half of the book which talks about her acceptance and embrace of the new body (rather than the first half which digs into her sickness and rituals). 

One last thought: Books were definitely great for me in my recovery, but if you are still in that mindset, they can give you unhealthy ideas. There is definitely a balance, and you need to trust yourself with the information. But what helped me the most was not focusing so much on disorders, food, books and articles about it all, because what we focus on expands. I’d definitely recommend focusing more on healing your core, exploring some passions, and finding who you are first. The rest will follow :) 

P.S. Thanks for your support! xo

Anonymous asked: How did your boyfriend deal with your changing body? We all know men are visual and physical creatures.

This is a great question and one I had during the beginning of our relationship. I would think, “He met me when I was ‘model skinny.’ What if he isn’t attracted to me as I heal into my ‘normal’ weight?”

First off, we never went out at my lowest point — mentally and physically — where I barely had any estrogen. I didn’t have a period for 5 years. My body fat was 9%. My butt cheeks didn’t f-ing touch (Yep, can you even imagine?!). I never focused on guys, or relationships. I had zero sexuality, zero passion. Calories, working out, and reaching certain numbers were the only things in my OCD mind. I was disconnected to my body and everything around me. Sounds like a wonderful girlfriend, huh? 

But after we started dating, I think he was trying to support whatever I wanted at the time, and what I wanted was to lose weight after my body had started rebelling. I didn’t feel comfortable in my own body as I started gaining the weight. And he wanted me to feel good in my own skin. Also, I think he had an idea of what his type was and what society had told him to go for. However, it became clearer than ever that no matter how much exercise, or no matter how healthy and clean and little I eat, I wasn’t going to lose weight. Not even an ounce. My body was protecting itself from starvation, from dying. 

As time went by, he could tell that I was the healthiest person he knew. I never let myself go. I began to realize that this is how I was supposed to be. And after seeing successful plus models, reading inspiring books, and really listening to my body and mind for the first time, I began to truly love myself. I started to rediscover who I was and what my body was. I had normal estrogen and testosterone for the first time in years. I was compassionate, alive, sexual. I had boobs and a butt again! I honestly feel more confident in myself now as a size 12-14, than I ever did at a 00-2. I made it my life promise to myself that I will be the healthiest I can be and whatever my body does is where I am supposed to be, and I have to accept that and embrace it. He has admitted to me that I helped him see beauty in sooo many other forms. My body is strong, healthy, and oh-so-feminine (talk about a visual!). He loves curves now. LOVES. And more importantly, so I do. :)

I have the same exact measurements as the beautiful Candice Huffine. I would take this body and an alive spirit over a bag of bones and a corrupt mind any day! And I think men would agree. ;)

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